To Infinity and Beyond
by fanficfanuk
Summary: What Will might have been thinking as he sat on the edge of his desk while Charlie explained his position on employment issues and the progress of News Night 2.00. Series 2. ep 9 Never done this before, but I just cant wait for Mr Sorkin's next series. Sorry. One repetitive swear word! No Newsroom ownership rights.
1. Chapter 1

To Infinity and Beyond

"I'm not resigning …. And neither are you". Charlie had grumbled.

At those words Will's thoughts had frozen. He stopped listening to the stream of consciousness tumbling from the older man's lips. Rather Charlie's earlier words bounced round and round Will's brain as the muscles in his chest constricted causing short shallow breathes; his blood hammered in his ears.

"You agree with what I'm saying?" Charlie demanded a reply presently

Will recovered quickly, he's a wordsmith after all and used to making things up on the spur….sounding good without actually saying anything specific was second nature…first even….

"I believe, except for the things we did wrong, we did everything right and I can't live with Mac taking the blame for…." Will trails off, over-taken by his own thoughts once more.

As Charlie continued his monologue-style argument, Will's brain whirred into gear digesting Charlie's message.

Will's brow furrowed slightly and his skin felt clammy. Withdrawing their resignations will leave Mac exposed, he realized. Mac will carry the blame for Genoa. All of it! No matter what comes later for him and Charlie or any of the others.

Wills heart raced and he could almost feel his blood pounding round his body- his stomach clenched, he felt queasy.

Because everyone will know he was the one who did this to her, who fired her. Fired Mac…..their Mackenzie.A last act of retribution they'll all think.

At least by 'all' Will now means everyone he cares about, his team, his people, his friends, real people with names. The ethereal audience is no longer his sole or even premier yardstick. And she has done this for him, given him this. Mac has made his life so different, him so different, connected. And they'll all know. And now he cares.

So….he must not allow this to happen- Mac cannot take the blame. He will not take the responsibility for giving it to her alone, through his act of dismissal. He is not that person. This fiasco has to stop, right now, before the broadcast ends. Before her employment status goes public. And he only has …what? 11 minutes to do it and get back on air.

Fuck, fuck, fuck….. he feels the panic building in his chest, his thoughts jumbling. How?

Once, Mac would have done anything for him. If he'd admitted to her that he cared about how it looked, she would have agreed to stay and stand beside him and Charlie, against Dantana's legal assault. But that was back in the day. (Well earlier today anyway.) Would she do anything for him now, even if he begged? Even if he had the time to explain, would she listen? Of course she would, she's no Will McAvoy…. not remotely close.

But he had no time to check this out. And he had always, always been able to count on her professionally—well in every way actually, with only one exception.

But now there was the ring.

That damn circular token of commitment that had finally brought them full circle. She had been so hurt and angry and… fucking brave about it. Why had he told her? Had he wanted to hurt her? He had no idea- except perhaps he had changed too and felt he did not want lies lying between them anymore. Yeah that was it, the reason he was apologising for an act of betrayal of trust that she had not even realised he'd inflicted on her. (Something feels familiar and important about this but there's no time to process that just now.) And he had wanted to make it right, to stop carrying that guilt, to prepare to start again. He had not intended to hurt her with this right now, or ever again really. The ring had already served it's purpose. But he'd felt compelled to confess when she brought it up, before she was gone. To show her he did not want her to go? That he'd changed? How had he ever thought that telling her about the ring would convey all that? Seriously..?

He recalled her expression as she processed his words in the hair and make-up room. The shock in her eyes turning to anger and then quickly to a small, wistful smile of acceptance. Her facial muscles playing their part in shielding her pain from the world as she left the room. She was so familiar with the need to cover the hurts he easily and repeatedly inflicted.

But there was worse. Mac had actually sent him away from her across the room, his thoughts screamed – this was new, this was the problem. He couldn't take enough air into his lungs as he remembered their exchange; was it the beginning of the end, their end, the end of them? He felt faint, the room spun, he was going to vomit.

Will had known there had been no chance she would hit him. He'd known, she'd known it too. She was fully in control of herself in that way – he knew that much; knew her that well at least. But things between them had changed, and for the first time she'd actually commanded him to move away from her. And it hurt, it fucking hurt so much.

The many times he had sent her away spiralled through his head- over Brian Brenner, through her return to News Night and in the hospital because of her presumed rejection of him via the voice mail message she had never received. What the fuck… He had said and done so much to hurt her and she had taken all the blame. Always, she'd returned his unkindness with care and forgiveness.

Always!

But not this time! This time she had seen through him. It was all him and he had a 10 minute window to fix this before getting back on air or she would be gone and everyone would know he had done it. Neither of these could happen.

But how? How does he persuade Mac to be unfired, against her better judgement, against her determination to take the greatest proportion of blame and to sacrifice herself for everyone else, himself included. Himself especially. It had to be possible but…only 9 minutes left.

He needed something unexpected, to take her by surprise, to make her an offer she couldn't refuse. He remembered the pained look of longing on her face when he first showed her the ring. Her words "That's the ring that will do it" popped into his head.

Even as his plan was forming, his conscience screamed at him. Using Mac's hopes against her to get what he wanted was unfair. She deserved better. She did. He knew it.

He recalled how his forgiveness had been hers unreservedly that first night in May 2011, only to evaporate during the crushing depressive episode that followed until mid-August when he learned she had never heard his message. He had come to distrust his instincts about her, their mixed messages confirming his punishments and her presumed rejection.

He had never returned to that place of forgiveness, but he was getting near. Since Nina he really was. It was just that he now knew first-hand how he would feel if she really rejected him. And that reality had made it almost impossible to give her the chance, to pass the initiative to her. While he had control of the decisions about "them" he could breathe….just. His hope could not be crushed.

But now there was no time to work on a better solution if he was going to succeed. Less than 8 minutes 15 seconds to air. And anyway, Will justified himself, his scheme was in Mackenzie's best interests. What she'd wanted all along according to Charlie and Slone and Jack and well everyone if all the eye rolls and knowing glances were to be believed. But really he just had to cover up his mistake… now… and he would deal with his readiness for commitment tomorrow. He would, and he would start by stopping hurting Mac and it would all come right. It would. Really! Loving her had never, never been the problem. Nothing could possibly go wrong because losing her would never be right!

Now Charlie was staring at him expectantly…awaiting his response less than patiently.

"Will?" Charlie prompted. "It's gotten strange now….are you able to hear me speaking?"

"She…except for the things she did wrong, she did everything right too… the rest was me…I'm lost…." Will muttered more to himself than to a very surprised News Division chief, as he scrabbled in his desk drawer and left the room at a run to do whatever he'd had to do next and say whatever he'd had to say next to get himself engaged to Mackenzie.


	2. Chapter 2 Downlifting

Chapter 2 Downlifting

"Why Will?"

MacKenzie's whisper mingles with the quiet hum of the descending elevator.

Will looks at her leaning against the polished sidewall of their metal container, eyes firmly closed, teeth worrying her lower lip and a frown on her brow.

She looks so pale and broken his earlier guilt-fed reservations about asking her to marry him return with full force and he's terrified. What had he been thinking? How could he possibly pull off being engaged to Mackenzie McHale and actually keep her beside him? Did he even want this, wasn't it too risky? Wouldn't she see through him and grasp his motivation for asking her tonight in such a panic? Mackenzie could read him like an open book …what if... Too late now! he thinks as his leather jacketed shoulders sag.

Mac is beyond exhausted and having consumed far too much champagne is finally on the verge of collapse. But Will knows even near comatose with fatigue, Mac never stops thinking. His fiancé ( how much he finds he loves that term ) is smart and intuitive and plain fucking brilliant and how long did he think it would be until she asked this question given the events earlier in the evening and given the distance he had put between them since the broadcast ended? Well since his proposal actually.

_She'd never said it back._

After the broadcast Will had encouraged Mac to stay and celebrate with their staff. Everyone needed this excuse to boost their spirits, pronounced the Director of Morale and the team had taken their post-election engagement celebrations to the 44th floor.

Mac had concurred of course and had found energy born of pure euphoria. For a while there she had positively glowed, making him quietly proud that he had crafted this happiness for her. He even felt it all could work out as the congratulations and good wishes poured in.

Will had shared out his time between circulating around his staff and conferring with Leona's defence team in preparation for the legal tsunami headed their way in the morning.

Whenever Mac was nearby, deep in conversation with one of their family of smiling co-workers, he'd touched her gently, squeezing her shoulder, brushing her cheek with his finger tips, putting his arm briefly around her waist and whispering a greeting into her ear. She would answer with a too bright smile, a gentle nudge of his shoulder, a stroke of his wrist. Her eyes held gentle questions mixing care, concern and hope. The sparkling promise on her left hand a comforting token she wrapped in the fingers of her right

_She never said it._

He would then head (flee?) to the other side of the room, for more meaningless, trivial conversations, (Will's words not mine), with guests of Leona's before his inexorable gravitation back towards Mac once more.

He was so, so tired but he needed to be sure Mac was not feeling rushed or pushed or… manipulated by him-as only he knew she had been.

_And he really needed to hear her say it. _

Finally in defeat, Will glanced across the room in Mac's direction and nodded toward the elevators, holding up a handful of fingers.

She'd acknowledged his message with a brief incline of her head but no accompanying smile. She was talking to Charlie who turned and raised his glass to Will when Mac nodded her head in his direction.

Will's gaze focussed on her, and from this distance she looked ill and desperately fatigued. He felt instantly guilty knowing he had let them linger too long. She'd needed him beside her tonight of all nights and she really could have expected that he would have stayed close, given their most recent turn of events. But Will was so desperate not to mess this up so he was giving them both a little time to adjust, time to think or at least that was what he was telling himself.

Well, really he was just terrified that Mac would rumble him …

But now they were trapped together in a travelling sardine can

"Mmmh?"

Will stalled in reply to Mackenzie's question, a frown pinching his brow. He does not need to have this conversation here, now, in an elevator just leaving the 44th floor. He needed sleep, sex, caffeine and nicotine, not necessarily in that order, and then they might have a shot at discussing their complicated past and by implication their fragile future - or some such thing.

"I asked you why Will, the reason for your proposal tonight, out of the blue?" Mac mumbled, eyes still firmly shut, forehead propped against the shiny surface, exhaustion radiating from her in almost tangible waves.

"I thought this could be our 'piece de resistance', our response to the Dantana factor." Will teased quietly, his frown still in place. "See how well it worked. How else would we have extracted vast quantities of booze out of Leona to divert our workforce from their current depressed state? They all love you Mac, so they loved celebrating with us and for us. You are my secret weapon when managing our staff… well, when managing anything actually." His voice faltered and dropped in tone "In fact Mac, you are my whole existence." He said, surprising himself by blurting out this profound, frightening truth unprovoked.

Will waited, motionless, his breathe suspended, lungs burning, heart racing. "Here we go" he thought, bracing himself for her response; anticipating unanswerable questions about forgiveness, blame and guilt and "them".

Silence!

And then his lips twitched upwards as he realised Mac had momentarily lost consciousness standing there in her Christian Louboutins, leaning against the reflective wall of their downward moving box.

She never slept in public transport. They'd laughed about her lack of ability to feel safe enough to sleep on trains and planes and other random modes of transport back in the day.

And suddenly it struck him as incredibly funny that she had 'dropped off' while 'dropping down' at whatever-the-fuck meters per second they were traveling together, towards their fixed, joint destination. She looked so sweet and frail and beautiful supported by the wall. He finally closed the gap between them, wrapped his arms around her and pulled her gently against him taking her weight before she fell. Her head transferred naturally to his chest, tucking heavily under his chin in her own familiar hollow.

And then it happened. A warmth spread through his body, as though his muscles and skin and even his bones remembered this, them. After years of vacant space, he was tingling. This was not a Rudy hug. She was not holding back. She was asleep… on him… trusting herself to him…. and he was accepting her. God was he accepting her!

And in that instant he knew this was right, completely right. He never wanted her to move from his arms. Their past was irrelevant. He was just fucking happy- how did that happen? Earlier that night, yesterday even, everything was terrible, what with Genoa and Dantana and the hate mail and the Tea Party and the resignations. But suddenly he did not care about any of it…..not any more ….this really was his new reality. She was his…again… and if he could just keep her at the centre of his world everything else could implode and he would be ok with that. He just needed Mackenzie and the rest of his life would count as a complete success. How had he ever missed this? It was so clear, like a fucking epiphany or something. He could answer all her questions whatever they were. Bring them on!

He looked down at his fiancé and a stupidly wide grin spilt across his face as the elevator doors slid open with a soft reverberating 'ding'.

Will dipped his head and placed a gentle kiss onto her hair. "Come on Mac" he whispered, his voice gruff with emotion "You need to come home."

"Mmmh?" She mumbled indistinctly into his chest, and as quietly as a breath he heard it…

_"Love you too!"_


	3. Chapter 3 Engaging

"Room Service" a firm male voice announced, following three sharp raps to the door of their suite.

'_Seven a.m. __already, really?_' Will's eyes shot open. He knew exactly where he was. He also decided from the pounding in his head and aching muscles that three hours was not nearly enough sleep for an aging anchor.

Will swung his legs out of the king-size bed, glancing back tenderly at the small sheet-covered mound in the centre of the mattress. Ambling quietly across the dim, deeply piled Plaza bedroom, he opened the door into the eye-stinging brightness of the adjacent sitting room to admit their breakfast. Will scrubbed his palm across his weary face and tried to get his brain into gear.

"So far, so good" he thought as he opened the double doors to a wiry, uniformed waiter wheeling a trolley complete with silver dome-covered serving plates and a huge coffee pot with warmer. Will passed the waiter a large wad of bills as he retreated, having first plugged the trolley into the mains supply.

"Enjoy your meal, sir" was his thanks as the door swung shut.

Peeping under the silver covers at the eggs and waffles he had ordered the night (morning) before, he felt ill…too tired to eat, he thought and lowered the lids.

Filling a cup with coffee, Will moved to the sofa and placed his cup on the table beside the arm rest. He dropped onto the cushions and reviewed his position trying to calm his now whirling brain.

Last night he had actually asked Mackenzie to marry him. The very thought caused a warm wave of elation to wash through him. He smiled widely as he recalled the memory.

The proposal had not been on his agenda until minutes before it happened. And although he'd told himself it was the only way to stop Mac insisting he'd fired her, saving her from Genoa and himself from humiliation, actually he knew it was so much more.

_He should have done it years ago_

The fumbled words of his proposal whirred through his head.

Without rehearsal and refinement, everything he had said about his feelings was completely and absolutely true. She owned him, always had and always would. Their simple journey in a lift had given him the space to acknowledge she was his one-and-done. (He also remembers deciding never to live on a ground floor again). He knew he wanted to tell her every day, forever more, what she meant to him, how he would never again hurt her, how he was there for her forever.

But here's the thing…in revealing his feelings to her, his proposal had also clarified his feelings to himself too. And with that clarity, Will had felt anxiety well up inside; the fear that accompanies love that might be rejected. And fear makes for some poor decision making…..

Essentially, Will is a good person; a good man. He really is. And since Mac had joined News Night he had become a better person with everyone- except perhaps Mac herself. But like many decent people, Will could be put upon…. and he didn't always recognise the sub-text of other people's behaviour- especially female's behaviour …..and he certainly did not always tell people the whole truth….. so Will had a bit of a problem…. with Nina Howard!

For the months Will and Nina had been a couple, Mac had been sad.

Will had watched her, once she had known about him and Nina, and seen the hurt in her eyes whenever Nina called in at the office to meet him. He kept those visitations to a minimum but he knew Mac was well aware of his preoccupation as he hurried off home night after night.

Will had stopped his late night calls to Mac and he had thought at the time how Mac must have missed those, because he certainly had. He had imagined her waiting for his usual ringtone that first night and her gradual realisation over the following nights, that this part of her connection with him was at an end. He had not found that image as comforting as he'd thought he would- well not at all comforting actually, but at the time he'd believed he was travelling the journey of 'getting over Mac' so he accepted this Mac-free penance as part of the price of moving on.

He had Nina at night.

Mac would have to just get over it- well she had really hadn't she… who could possibly stay in love with someone who regularly hurt and blamed you?-he remembered thinking.

Mac had never mentioned it or retaliated but had, in typical form, increased her acceptance of blame for all issues between them. He thought how this contrasted with her refusal to take ALL the blame for their break-up when she had started at News Night in 2010.

"_I take 98%."_ Will could still hear her words in his head. He felt ashamed how much he'd broken her down.

And with Will dating Nina, Mac had thrown herself into her Genoa investigation. Will knew It was no accident that she had chosen to exclude him for 'fresh eyes' if needed. He knew it would be less painful for her to have meetings without him, than imagining his lovemaking with Nina. Sometimes Will even acknowledged to himself that the whole Genoa mess was really his fault. If he had not been with Nina, he would have been working closely with Mac on it and probably one of the 17 small failings which had accumulated into the toxic mess that was Genoa, would have been prevented.

When Will had broken up with Nina - he had not missed her much at all. He had actually enjoyed his personal space again.

But there was no doubt he was lonely: and he hadn't moved on one jot. He'd desperately wanted to re-start his late night phone calls with Mac and often his fingers ghosted over her number in the early hours of the morning when sleep eluded him. But somehow he could not do that to her. What would he say? "Hi, I'm between lovers so thought you might just stay awake and talk me to sleep until I find someone else." It seemed rude to disturb her after all the months when he had dropped her for Nina without explanation.

Mac might have been pleased about his break-up with Nina, but the massive demands of preparation for Genoa followed by the fallout from their spectacular cock-up, eradicated all thoughts of futures and happiness. The staff had closed ranks; everyone looking out for one another. They had each other's backs and her team had been great at it- just as Mac had taught them. Mac, it always came down to her influence…her presence. Just Her.

And Mac had still insisted to everyone that Will was a good guy.

He believed her (believed _in_ her). So, as a good guy, he carried some guilt about his ill-mannered and vitriolic breakup with the gossip columnist. Indeed, Will had expected to see some unsavoury stories in the tabloids as a result.

Nothing had happened, no half-truth revelations or character assassinations. Not that Will minded for himself but still….unexpected.

So when he met Nina at a charity do that AWM had insisted he attend (_to boost his image_) just 3 weeks before the election, he had felt a stronger than usual urge to mend fences.

"Hey Nina…are we talking now?" Will had greeted her with a genuine smile

"Will, long time no see…. and why would we not be speaking to each other?" Nina replied, looking very pleased with him.

"Well, if I recall, our last conversation was somewhat emotional. I owe you a massive apology, Nina." Will explained "I was completely out of order. I'm sorry to have been such a jerk ….a rude jerk. I'm sorry." And Will gave her a winning smile. "So how are you doing?"

And that's how it started; Will and Nina were sort of friends again—not romantically, at least not in Will's eyes- but not enemies. And as many people were not speaking to ACN's anchor just then it was nice to have a friendly face.

So when Nina had called Will on Tuesday the morning of the election and explained that her flat had the decorators in and she had had a reaction to the paint fumes and asked if she could camp in his spare room for a night, Will had agreed. After all, she had practically lived at his apartment for a few months, knew he had an unused spare room and purported to be a friend. He felt obliged to accept her suggestion. It was just one night and he was going to be very late anyway. He'd hardly see her.

But he hadn't mentioned his arrangement to Mac or anyone else at work- it was irrelevant, he'd told himself. He certainly didn't want to start up with Nina again. Just the opposite really; he just wanted to be seen as a good guy. He had no idea as to Nina's motivation. He didn't give it another thought, though he might have felt that his apparent lack of a partner (Mac?) at the fundraiser might have been a bit of a give-away. What with the stress of the election coverage and all the legal stuff and Mac blaming herself about Genoa, he just said yes to Nina and called his doorman to let her in.

Only after the election broadcast had ended and they were heading for drinks upstairs did Will remember that he was unlikely to remain engaged if he arrived at his apartment while Nina was there. He also knew that it was too late to call Nina and much too late to ask her to leave and find somewhere else. And it was way, way too late to explain all this to Mac.

So Will booked a suite at the Plaza overlooking the park for their first engaged night together

"A neutral setting - no memories of conflicts. Just us." Will had explained as their car drew up outside the hotel lobby at almost 4 am with a very sleepy fiancé.

Mac had objected- "this is so unnecessary Will. We can go to yours and plan a hotel when we actually have time to spend more than a couple of hours there" she'd said "And I have no clothes with me" she wailed.

"That won't be a problem " he'd teased as he propelled her towards the lifts with his hand on the small of her back, following the night manager who had met them at the desk.

"Anyway, I love your place and we have to be back at AWM by 9 so there won't be time to enjoy all the facilities" she continued.

"We're here and we're tired Mac so let's just head up and revel in the fact we have a luxury bed and the best room service in New York" Will said testily preparing for more opposition.

Mac said nothing in reply and remained silent while they were shown into their horrendously expensive suite of rooms. She stood near the door as Will thanked the manager; then Will took her hand to pull a very subdued Mac into the bedroom.

"Come" he said gently, leading her to the king-sized bed.

"May I?" he asked, unzipping her dress without waiting for an answer, so that it fell in a pool of material at her feet

He turned her so that her back was towards the bed and gently pushed her down onto it.

"Sit." he said firmly

Suddenly, Mac seemed to realise where she was and looked alarmed.

"Will" she stuttered "I…Um….What are we doing now?" "Is..?" "Can we.." she trailed off

"Hey, Mac, relax. We're both totally exhausted and drunk." He soothed. "We have lots of time…. We'll go at any pace you like…honestly. Tonight, right now I need sleep."

He reached out and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear…he loved that he could do that now…touch her again whenever he wanted. _Why had he waited so long to do this?_

He stood in front of her and removed his jacket and tie before squatting down and taking her shoes from her feet. Lifting her legs onto the bed, he stood again and looked down at a stretched out Mac.

She looked beautiful, but so pale with deep dark smudges under her eyes. Her face held a thoughtful frown.

Will knew that look.

Oh God! She was thinking and she always put things together really fast.

Will felt a quiver of fear wash through him as he waited expectantly for Mac to realise why he'd proposed tonight and then suggest plausible reasons why they might be in the Plaza hotel without any luggage.

He waited.

Mac's head sank into the pillow. Her eyes met Will's and she held her arms out to him, "Come 'ere," she slurred and Will removed the rest of his clothes down to his boxers and joined her. He wrapped his arms around her while she rested her head over his heart.

"Mac" he mumbled quietly "Mac?"

No reply came, his eyes closed and he was asleep

Sometime later, Will felt Mac's head shift against his chest and the fingers of her right hand drifted up his arm, moved across his torso, and settled above his heart where they drew light circles across his skin.

"Mac?" he whispered

"Ummm?" came her sleepy answer

"You okay?" Will turned his head to whisper into her ear

"Oh! More than you know" Mac slurred "I jus.. dreamed I was with this amaaaazingly hot tv guy and we'd made madly passionate love for hours" she breathed, raising her head slightly from his chest.

"That can happen" Will smiled. "Anytime's good with this tv guy"

"My father always told me procrastination could be one of the greatest evils….." Mac purred as her hand slid down Will's chest and across his abdomen.

"Are we discussing your father right now?" He teased

"Not quite what I had in mind" she mumbled into his neck as he tightened his arms around her and flipped her onto her back and began showering wet open mouthed kisses across her skin

….

"Mac." Will gently shook what he thought must be her shoulder under cover of the sheet.

"Sweetheart, wake up" he said a little louder.

"Mmmmm, What's …Will? " a confused Mac mumbled as she struggled, with eyes closed, out from her warm cocoon.

Suddenly Mackenzie's eyes opened wide, "Will?, h..have I been to sleep yet ? What's going on now?"…she stammered. "Why are you up?"

"Morning, sunshine! How'er you feeling?" Will asked, grinning, as he leaned down and kissed her on her forehead, and motioned towards the steaming cup of coffee he had just placed on the nightstand for her. Mac looked gorgeously sleep-ruffled and Will felt the urge to get back in bed and hang AWM.

" Fine….no, well awful really." Mac replied. "Why are you dressed? Wait- have we just arrived? I can't remember anything about last night. What happened? Did I miss anything?" She panicked

"Whoa! Not a thing Mac" Will answers shaking his head and laughing. "We just have barely slept 3 hours and I'm going home to get into fresh clothes. Then I'll call at yours and collect some work clothes for you and deliver them here." Will said smugly. "So, you can sleep for another hour and have some breakfast and I'll be back"

He drops his voice "Then I could help you shower and dress if you like"

"Oh Billy! I'd love that very much, you know I would." Mac smiled her most sincere crinkly eyed smile and brushed her thumb across his cheek. "But I need to go home too. I want some notes for the show tonight and you really don't have to run my errands, you've enough to do today of all days. Charlie wanted you in by nine."

"Then I'll go get my stuff and come straight back here shall I and we can call at yours after." He suggested

"Billy, that's so inefficient" she said firmly. " Your apartment is on the way to my place, so give me 5 minutes to shower and dress and I can drop you and go on to mine."

Will raised his eyebrows in disbelief at the thought of Mac dressing in 5 minutes-

"I'll send the car straight back to yours so you'll have time to shower and I'll call a cab when I'm ready." Mac continued. Will knew it would be the quickest way for both of them to reach the office. Mac was a brilliant organiser as always.

"O-kay" Will said "but in 5 minutes I'm leaving without you!"

In the car Will took her hand in his, and placed it on his lap. She snuggled close beside him and leaned her head on his shoulder. They didn't talk. What they had to say was not for third parties. But they were still together and that had to mean something, right? Nearly 9 hours together.

"See you very soon, sweetheart" Will whispered into Mac's ear and he leaned across to kiss her on the lips as the car pulled alongside the kerb outside his building.

"Not soon enough" was her reply.

"Patience is a virtue, Mackenzie" Will teased, cupping her chin with his hand and as he ran his thumb down her cheek "Be safe, hon. I promise we'll be alone tonight- no parties.".

She watched him disappear into the lobby, overwhelmed by the last few hours but peacefully happy that she had been given another chance by Will. She could hardly believe it as she stared at the ring on her third finger.

Heavy traffic pinned the car kerbside as Mac settled back into her seat. A buzz alerted her to a phone on the floor. Will's phone; he must have dropped it as he leaned in to kiss her. She stretched to retrieve it. He had a text message…..from Nina Howard.

Mac knew all Will's passwords… and it might be urgent

"Where were U all night? Can't wait here any longer to say a big thank you!...xxxx Nina


	4. Chapter 4 Disenchantment

**Thanks to those who reviewed and sent such helpful comments and encouragement... I hope you are not disappointed by the next installment**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 4 Disenchantment

Mac was rigid with fear.

Will had finished with Nina hadn't he?

Wasn't it 4 or 5 months ago? She should remember.

But Genoa had been so all-pervading recently that she'd lost her perspective. She remembered sliding from misery, to gladness, to elation and back to deeper misery over a few short weeks. Time seemed to have stretched and wrinkled-up like sewing elastic- perception rather than clockwork determining the length of their minutes.

"Wait" she shouted urgently to John, "I have to catch Will and give him his phone"

John pulled the car back from it's poised position kerbside and nodded.

She had to see Will. She just needed to touch base with him for a second before she was overcome with doubt that they could indeed do this together thing. She knew it was silly to be upset by one small text that had not even been hers to see, her guilt for having impulsively opened the message was already growing.

Mac jumped out of the car saying "Back in a minute," and sprinted (as best she could in 3 inch heels) for the doors to Will's apartment block.

She waved at George, a daytime porter, and just slipped into one of the elevators holding a mother and child heading for the 6th floor. She pushed the button for Will's apartment and smiled distractedly at the young woman trying to keep the child from pushing all the buttons within his reach.

Once alone in the elevator, Mac's thoughts went briefly back to her journey in a lift- earlier that morning- when she had slept on Will' shoulder. She tried to remember that feeling as the characteristic whirring ceased and the doors slid back with a bit of a jolt. Stepping out she caught sight of Will's back crossing his doorway, his keys in his hand and his shouted greeting "Hey Nina, not dressed yet?"

Mac's mouth went dry, her throat closed, her chest constricted and her eyes filled with tears. She stepped backwards through the open lift doors still clutching Will's Blackberry and without uttering a word, pressed the button labelled lobby.

Mac's world crumbled as she sat in the back of the town car headed towards her apartment. She could barely breathe; she felt like her lungs were freezing; a panic attack built inside her. She needed to go home as fast as possible to take meds and hide….forever. So much for not hurting her; for her owning him; for his self-righteousness. Fuck, what a fool she'd been to believe anything he said. He was betraying her already. Maybe that was what he expected now. Not to give her exclusivity over him. For her to share him with whomsoever he chose.

Not happening! It ends now, she thinks. It all ends now!

In the ten minutes it took John to drive to Mac's apartment block, Mac's breathing moved into full distressed mode. John refused to let her out the car to search for her inhaler- she was too far gone he decided and that's how Mackenzie came to be in a hospital side ward by 9.20 Wednesday morning after her engagement the previous night.

With oxygen and nebulizing, Mac's saturation levels improved, but tears fell remorselessly down her cheeks and she gulped for air miserably. She said nothing about the cause of her attack to the hospital staff but she did name Jim Harper as her medical proxy and requested they ring him from her phone as her breathing was not good enough for conversation.

John, their driver called in to the car company when he had detoured to the hospital and Will had been taken to ACN by a stand-in driver unaware of Mac's distress. He could not find his phone- and got Maggie to call the Plaza to check he hadn't left in the room.

Will didn't miss Jim at work because he was up on the 44th floor with Charlie and Rebecca all morning. Without his phone he couldn't text Mac. He sat in with lawyers thinking up little messages that she would like. Messages of love and humour and just…stuff for her from him. He smiled every few minutes, as the things she'd enjoy flitted through his brain. He'd save them for her he thought. And he'd tell her about Nina tonight. They'd laugh about it.

Really it had been awful when he had got to his apartment. Nina had been dressed in her slinkiest negligée and was draped provocatively across his sofa as he arrived.

"Hey, Nina, not dressed yet?" Will had commented when he saw her.

"How good to see you Will." She'd purred as she swept up to him and wrapped her arms around him for a hug. "Thought you were avoiding me"

"Not at all Nina" he said smoothly returning the pressure of her arms lightly, then releasing her and stepping away all in the briefest of movements. "Just celebrating my engagement to Mac; We stayed at the Plaza"

Nina was stunned-"Why didn't you tell me you were engaged?—I didn't even know you were together." She felt embarrassed.

"Must be losing your grip then" Will smirked. "Thought you knew these things before they happened"

"Well, c.. congratulations, I hope you two will be very happy" Nina recovered graciously. "And thanks for the bed"

"You're welcome Nina, anytime" Will called after her "Hope your decorators have done a good job. I need to dress so can you see yourself out?"

And she headed off to the guest bathroom to dress and gather her thoughts.

By midday, Jim had returned to the office with two items for Will and a scrawly, hand-written note addressed to Charlie from Mackenzie.

Jim was saying nothing as he ran that day's production impeccably.

Mac was discharged at 1.00 pm and went home to pack. She'd had no contact from Will but Jim had checked on her twice, offering her Maggie to keep her company at home.

Mac had declined. She was fine, she texted him. She was going to sort some stuff and have a rest. "Feeling much better now. All good! I have meds for muscle tension too" was her message to Jim

And strangely she was…..feeling better that is!

For, lying in the hospital bed she had felt a sharp change. After years of keeping her feelings in check and shouldering the blame for mistakes she'd made and hurts she'd inflicted, she felt as if a switch turned off in her head. Odd to experience, Mac suddenly felt she could accept Will was not in love with her and she no longer needed to be in this constant battle for his forgiveness. She suddenly found she did not feel she was in love with him anymore. A tremendous peaceful sadness cushioned her loss, reminding her of whirling white clouds enshrouding Scottish mountain roads at dusk. She felt numb, embarrassed that she had been so stupid about him all these years.

_'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds'_… Mac thought sadly….and what I feel is no longer love. Will can finally be free of my pathetic stalking. He will probably moan about it a bit and tell everyone that I still can't be trusted 'cause I took his ring and then returned it. But till yesterday we had been only colleagues for the past two and a half years. He has Nina, so he won't be alone.

A great peace settled over her as she thought of moving to England and seeing her parents at weekends and joining the BBC. She would miss the bustle of her elected home and the loss of her family of friends was going to hurt terribly, but at least she'd grown up at last and learned there were things you just could never have.

Because no matter what Will said, or did, she did not trust him and would never feel the same about him. She was not in love with William Duncan McAvoy anymore.

Will sat at his desk in a daze.

Jim had entered his office after lunch, slapped the ring and his missing cell phone down on the desk, turned on his heel and walked out.

Will could not for the life of him understand what was going on. He looked in the box to see the ring was inside, grabbed his phone and called Mackenzie. She answered on the fifth ring- with a wary "Yes Will?"

"What the hell's going on Mac " He shouted. "Jim just brought me your ring and my phone. I haven't had it all morning, the phone I mean, so I've not been in touch-but why aren't you here? What's going on?" Panic was clear in his voice.

"I had an anxiety attack this morning and was hospitalised, Will" Mac said calmly "but I am alright now and am resting. Jim will be your EP tonight and for the next few days."

"Why didn't you contact me, Mac?" Will asked. "I should be the one to look after you and care for you. Jim could have come up or sent Maggie for me. I'll come right home. You're my priority here. How could you think I would be too busy for you …ever?" Will sounded really distressed but Mac was adamant

"No, stay there Will and do our show for me tonight" she said firmly "Then come to my place and we'll talk."

After the show Will grabbed the ring box and fled to Mac's apartment as quickly as possible. He had been worried about the meaning of returning the ring all afternoon. Charlie was no help at all and just directed him to find his answers from Mac. But there was an untypical sadness accompanying Charlie that afternoon.

"Come in Will" Mac invited when she met him at the door.

"What's the matter, Mac? " Will demanded "What's going on?" He reached out to kiss her on the cheek. She stepped back out of reach.

"Nothing's going on Will. I just changed my mind about our engagement is all." She said steadily

"That's not nothing Mac…it's not" Will replied, bewildered.

"This time yesterday we hadn't even kissed in nearly 6 years Will and suddenly you were asking me to marry you." She looked at him thoughtfully. "Some people might think you were trying to stop me leaving ACN or something" she held his gaze as she suggested it. Will looked away ashamed.

"I love you, I really do, Mac" he mumbled "I've come to my senses. I just want you and only you, forever. Please don't leave me; I'm so sorry about everything I did and about not listening or reading your emails… and how long I took getting there ….and everything"

"I forgive all that, Will, I always have and I meant it" she said softly "and I understand how you can't trust people or let go of hurt. It's ok, but I don't want to be part of it anymore. I'm done with not being forgiven, and I realize that my presence has been making you do unkind and hurtful things. You don't do these to others, so my being here has been having a bad influence on you. We end here, now and you will heal, Will. You have already shown you can have a long term relationship. Nina is clearly still up for one, but if she doesn't last, you have shown you can find people who will love you and care about you. People far better than me."

Will just looked at her with his jaw almost touching his chest.

"How can you say that after yesterday?" he whispered. "What happened since I left you in the car?" "Please, please don't leave me." He begged, staring intently at her face, too scared to be angry

"Will, please don't think I am so shallow as to let any single punishment determine my feelings for you. I'm here talking to you, aren't I?" She said evenly. "I'm not running away. I've loved you for almost a decade and I just don't any more, that's all. I've come to terms with not having what I wanted and can see clearly what I have been doing. Refusing to accept your rightful distrust has not been good for either of us, you and me both. I was spoilt and demanded a forgiveness you can never give and I'm done, I've given in and that's okay."

Will stood still, his fingers twitching as he fought the urge to grab her and cover her mouth with his. His confusion started to turn to anger.

Mac forestalled him. "I know that you feel angry about this right now and blame me for changing my mind and messing with your affections, but I'm just being practical Will." She looked sad and his heart broke. "I still love you but I'm not in love. And when you hurt me you don't just hurt yourself too, you become a different person." She raised her hand to his face and stroked his cheek tenderly. Tears stood in her eyes as she leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth and said "Goodbye, Will."

She paused and added "We can talk again when you like- I'll always have time for you. And I'll answer your emails and calls. I'll never ignore you, (_I know what that's like_) but I can't work with you every day and let the hurting continue. It's not good for either of us." She gave a weak smile that reminded him of their last conversation in the hair and makeup room.

"Shit, shit, shit" he thought. He drew in a sharp breath to remonstrate with her but thought better of it and silently moved to the door that she now held open.

"_Keep calm"_ he told himself "_if she's willing to stay in communication then there's still hope…don't blow it." _

"I'll see you soon Kenz" he breathed as he left, stunned by how much could change in 24 hours.


	5. Chapter 5 Arrows

Chapter 5

"How the fuck do you fall out of love?" Will growled at Habib the next day.

"Are you talking rhetorically or asking for guidelines?" came the reply. "And how the fuck do I get clients to keep to their appointed time and not drop by unannounced whenever there's a crisis with their girlfriend?" the therapist countered

"This is not the usual stuff" Will muttered "This is serious. Mac said she doesn't love me anymore! She's changed her fucking mind after agreeing to be my wife and she has resigned ACN. She has totally screwed me over and I'm furious….. but… I want her back," and Will's shoulders drooped as he folded into himself and tears silently slid down his cheeks .

Habib took a deep breath and looked carefully at his client. He'd been afraid of this from the start. He'd warned Will about hurting her. So, finally, Mac had run out of emotional energy and given up. He couldn't blame her for that. She'd spent the last five and a half years repairing Will's heart while sacrificing her own in the process and Will had done nothing but hurt her in return.

Habib had come to know Mac through his discussions with Will and was secretly relieved that she was turning her back on the abusive aspects of her and Will's relationship. Truth be told, Habib had a bit of a thing for the phantom Mackenzie….

"Can you tell me what happened, Will?" he said and waited for the anchor to gather his thoughts, regulate his breathing and stop his tears.

It took a while for Will to be ready to describe the events of the past two days. But then they all poured out: the election stress, Nina, the firing, the ring and the engagement and his stupid idea of going to the Plaza. Will described the following morning through tears- he just couldn't hold them back.

"What do you feel was the last straw; you know the camel's back-breaker?" Habib asked calmly, trying to be as matter-of-fact as possible to keep Will grounded.

"She didn't say, but there was a very misleading text from Nina on the phone I left in the car. I would have been furious if I had seen a similar message to her from an old flame. But Mac never mentioned it so perhaps she just got fed up of me." Will suggested.

"And have you discussed the Nina visit with Mac? Did you tell her how Nina had been crashing at your place so you had booked a hotel to have Mac to yourself?" Habib asked

"No" Will practically hiccupped "I didn't think it was of interest to Mac given she didn't want me around."

"Will, you just told me that Mac had mentioned Nina to you when she explained her logic in ending contact with you." Habib reminded. "You said Mac thought Nina was still interested in you"

"Well, yes she said something like that but I have no idea what gave her that thought" Will stated and paused as he joined the dots "oh! Right! …I see what you mean. She did see the message then and she did feel mad about it"

"This is Mackenzie, Will" Habib said gently "She won't feel mad at you, or at least not for very long…just defeated and betrayed that you would make a fool of her, asking for marriage while you appeared to have a mistress." He paused to let Will catch up again, then he went on

"My guess would be that Mac felt you were going to expect her to accept that you could have lovers when you wanted" Habib watched Will as he spoke "She had been with an ex-boyfriend for a while early in your relationship, I think she might have thought you were carrying on her punishment in the most insulting manner ever." He continued, still studying Will for his reactions.

Will sat deep in thought as he considered the pychiatrist's suggestion.

"Yes!" he finally pronounced with a look of shame on his face "that is a highly possible scenario and entirely consistent with everything I have done to her. I accept full responsibility for this mess. She has not been unreasonable at all - I have never, ever wanted anything but exclusivity with Mac. Nothing else was ever an option. Thanks, I feel so much better."

Will shifted his shoulders up and back and made to stand up

"Wait a second" Habib said quickly. "What do you plan to do now Will?"

"Go see Mac and tell her about Nina and the message" he said firmly "Mac promised she would always talk with me and she would never let me down about that. We can clear this up in no time."

"I'm not so sure about that Will" said the younger man gently. "Understanding why things happened is really useful but I am concerned that Mac has had a full emotional turn-about. She told you her feelings had under gone a change. She was not talking about the hurt or betrayal from your actions but emotional changes within her." He paused then continued " Mac seems to have decided that her daily presence in your life is no longer good for you personally- that she is somehow encouraging you to diminish yourself by punishing her. I suspect she believes that the boost she felt she had given your career initially has crumbled with that Genoa thing. Mac is one of the most selfless people I've come across, Will. Even her falling out of love is done with your interests in mind. These may be in response to things you've done but undoing them will not always reverse the damage. You need to know that, Will, to be prepared."

Will looked at the psychiatrist in horror. He was saying love could be completely lost and never return. No, this could not be the case with Mac, she had always been there loving him, writing to him, caring for him, waiting for him. He would not give up on her ever. Whatever it takes he thought as he rushed from the therapy room and into the street.

That night Will gave of his best in the studio. He listened to Jim and though he hated not having Mac in his ear. He reminded himself that Mac had chosen Jim as her understudy and would be pleased if he tried to get along with him.

Will also applied Mac's reasoning principles to the show as far as he could so that Jim had an easier ride with the anchor. Will realised how often he argued at work just to have meaningful contact with his EP and in her absence he hardly challenged Jim because they actually agreed on almost everything. After all they were both trying to impress Mac.

Will phoned Mac the next morning and left a message to arrange a meeting with her. He impatiently waited for her reply which came the next day suggesting they meet in the ACN canteen at 2.00.

Will took care with his clothes choice, selecting the sweater Mac loved and the slacks she had once told him made him look sexy.

He got there early and ordered light lunches for them both. Mac arrived punctually and sat in the chair he pulled out for her.

"Hi Will!" she began, her voice low "I've only got fifteen minutes before I need to be with HR. Sorry." She paused and stared at him then said. "You look good." She waited expectantly for him to start…not looking forward to the tirade of anger that she reckoned was coming her way,

"Hi yourself Mac" Will said gently with a small smile. She looked anxious and uncomfortable and sleep deprived. He felt ashamed that she would be expecting his wrath. He was grateful that she had agreed to face him rather than condemning him to the misery of chasing after her and begging for her to listen to his explanation.

_Not like Will McAvoy when he was betrayed_

"First thanks for agreeing to meet" he said calmly. "And second I need you to know I was not sleeping with Nina though she sent that awful text. Really, I was making amends for the terrible break up we'd had, so she was staying at my place for the night in the spare room while her apartment was being painted." He paused for breath." I thought it was a friend thing …but it turned out she had other ideas and was trying to rekindle. It was so embarrassing when I found her in a black lacy outfit draped on my couch. I told her you and I were engaged and she fled…. and well she might."

"Oh!" Mac said "Oh!... Right then…" but nothing more

Will waited quietly for her to find words to describe her thoughts. He had given this meeting continuous thought since leaving Habib's office and he was determined to show her he'd really meant never to hurt her again.

"I did think you'd planned to keep punishing me when I read Nina's text." She began with a wavering voice "and I'm so glad to know I was wrong" she smiled a little "Thank you, Will" and she made to rise from the table.

"Wait, you've only been here three minutes and you've not touched your sandwich" Will said quickly "You should eat lunch Mac. You look tired. Please."

Sitting back down, she took a small bite of the salad filled bread roll and munched it slowly. Will stayed quiet, frightened of scaring her away. Just watching her calmed him, he realised.

"What are your plans Mac, have you got a new job yet?" he prodded "Will you stay around New York? The guys would all like you stay near you know…. I'd love you to stay.. but I understand if you need to go."

"Not sure yet." Mac answered absently "Still in application stages, but I probably won't… be local, you know"

She looked him in the eye and went on "When are you going to get angry about the engagement, Will? I'd like to get it over with so I don't have to keep worrying about you blowing up any time I see your ID come up."

"I'm not cross, Mac" he stayed calm "I've been awful towards you for so long. I know you were trying to put me back together – us together- and I appreciate all the care you took of my heart while I mashed and blended yours." Will looked sheepish as he went on "I have now read all the emails and messages I could find from our breakup to today. I had deleted all the voicemails from back then but I have kept all the most recent ones so that I can hear your voice even if you have left me for good. Have you? Really left me? For good?"

_'__Oh no, here we go' _Mac thinks to herself. _Any minute there will be a MacAvoy storm_

"Yes Will" she says bravely "Yes, I don't work with you anymore and I am not seeking for us to be together either. That ship has sailed"

"I didn't betray you" Will whispers

"I know…well I know now" Mac agrees.

"You do believe me?" he continues

"I do" she confirms

"But you don't love me" he says flatly

"Of course I love you Will and I'll always care about you but I'm not in love with you anymore" she answered quietly.

"What's the difference?" he asks petulantly "I'd make do with being loved even if you aren't in love"

"No Will, you know that is not how it works. Love is unfathomable and unpredictable. And I would never short change a person I loved with second best. And you know what Will, neither would you"

And with that Mac scooped up her purse, leaned over to place a tender kiss on his cheek and walked away.

Will slumped down in his seat. He wasn't thinking that had gone well but at least they hadn't had a shouting match, that was a good sign right? But even as he thought it, he remembered that he and Mac often had enjoyed a good shout….so maybe his plan to stay very calm had been less successful than he thought.


	6. Chapter 6 Briefings

**Thanks to those who kindly reviewed.**

**Sorry for this very short chapter- it was getting too long so I felt I should break it up.**

For the next few weeks Mac was busy reorganising her life completely. She got some jobs lined up- with Charlie's help- and flew off to interviews. She put her apartment on the market and packed away the possessions she was going to retain. Jim boxed her office up and delivered her most precious items to her himself.

News Night senior staff were encouraged to e-mail and phone Mac with queries as her leaving had been so sudden that it precluded a proper hand over. Mac was patient and thorough when passing information to her team and she invariably asked Jim, Sloane, Charlie or Maggie for reports on Will and reminded them to keep an eye on him and make sure he was ok.

Will emailed Mac every day with little details he thought she might enjoy; thoughts on the show and how he and Jim were working things out; silly bits of political nonsense he knew she would appreciate. He invariably promised he would look after everything and everyone on their show. He kept his messages calm and brief and only when he signed his mails "The one you own. W xx" or "Property of Mackenzie…W xx" did he allude to his deeper feelings.

Mac answered every one of his messages promptly and with kindliness. She signed her replies Macmac :) and never gave Will false hope she was considering getting back together with him. But he could discern her continued interest in his welfare. She never wrote of things that could hurt him further. And as days turned to weeks sometimes Mac added little messages about things he would laugh at.

He tried to keep positive but it was so hard.

Will found he missed Mac all the time. He felt as though he carried a Mac shaped space with him everywhere. He had no idea how that could even be a thing when they had only spent one night together in six years and most of their interactions had been work related or painful. What a fool he'd been. But he hung onto his promises to Mackenzie and resisted comments or actions that might hurt her while supporting the staff to do a great show.

He kept his appointments with Habib religiously too. Habib explained how Mac's emotional availability had been so constant that its withdrawal was like a bereavement. Habib seemed the only person who truly understood the scope of his loss.

Rather, Habib was the only one he could discuss it with anyway. His work family seemed to be blaming him for Mac's disappearance from their show – though no one would openly challenge him on it. And even Charlie had little sympathy for Will's' head in arse' tactics having been so protracted. The "engagement stunt" seemed to be the staff's take on what happened that night and neither Will or Mac could be persuaded to add any details.

The scales had well and truly tipped!

But somehow Will was okay about that. Since he had declared his love for Mac he didn't find avoiding hurting her a hardship. He didn't want her to hurt any more at all. Falling out of love was clearly not increasing her happiness, She wasn't dating other men from what he could tell and she was building up to leaving her favourite town and her self made family. That had to hurt. Will found himself worrying about Mac, and turned his anger inwards.

So, to say that Will was not coping too well was a bit of an understatement. He had begun to have a drink or two on the way home each night to buffer himself against his empty apartment- stupid really as Nina's should have been the pervading force there. But it just wasn't. And that is how he came to meet up with a subdued Brian Brenner in a darkened bar two streets down from Hang Chews one Friday night..


	7. Chapter 7

**My heartfelt thanks to all those who reviewed, favourite, followed and generally encouraged me to keep going with this...**

...

**So...the (their) final chapter? **

Will slid onto a bar stool at the darkest end of the counter. The dimness caused by a broken bulb had influenced his choice of seat. He didn't want recognition, just a little Dutch courage to calm him before he went home. Not that his apartment felt like home. H_ome is where the heart is- _how true is that, he thought_. _

Will had paid no attention to the hunched shape on the adjoining seat.

"Bourbon on the rocks please" Will asked the young server "Make it a double… to save time... and have one for yourself" he added.

"Will? ….McAvoy? …That you?" he heard a familiar voice. _Seriously? Here...now? What the fuck?_

"Bri...an" Will said in the high, sing-song pitch he reserved for ridiculing people as he swung round to face his drinking neighbour. "What are you doin' here? Don't remember you being one for the demon drink"

"Thing's change McAvoy," Brian slurred sadly, shaking his head and gazing into his glass as he swirled the amber liquid around and around.

Will's brow furrowed, Brian seemed at a low ebb. 'Good guy' Will felt obliged to make some conversation to check Brian was ok. "How's Time Magazine getting along? You still feature's editor?" Will asked in a more reasonable tone.

"I am indeed but…." Brian paused for an over-long time then blurted out "and ... I'm sorry about the route I took with that article about News Night last year." The apology was a surprise to Will….most unexpected... stunning even.

"I was really unprofessional and mean and I felt guilty afterwards but you were being such a prick to Mac, I couldn't help myself" Brian continued and his voice dropped almost to a whisper.

"Mac would never have allowed me to do a hatchet job like that on anyone when we were together." Brian looked down remorsefully. "She just hated what I did to you….she told me so. Sent me such a scathing e-mail... and I'd done it for her." He waited again "You know there's a society of Greater Fools now so it backfired on me in every way."

Will nodded. He had never queried why Brian had written what he had in the manner he had. He'd assumed Brian was angry at Mac for dumping him after they got back together and that he hated Will because Will had been the man Mac had chosen over him at the time. Clearly there was more going on that he had not understood. As Will was now desperate to talk about Mac with anyone who'd listen, he beckoned the waiter over to refill Brian's glass. It seemed they both needed to talk.

"There are times I miss her so much even now" Brian whined, glassy-eyed as Will plied him with questions and drinks.

"How did you two come to break up anyway?" Will asked gently and Brian launched into the saddest story of his life

"Mac and I dated for almost three years" He said "She was 26 and I was a couple of years older when we first met." He looked sheepishly at Will "We were busy building our careers. Mac was a very young senior producer at one of the networks and working up a storm. I was making quite a name for myself as a feature writer and seemed to be becoming flavour of the month. Foolishly, I thought I was really brilliant" Brian looked embarrassed. He took a sip of his drink and stared into the back of the bar. There was silence as he delved into his memories for a minute and then Brian started again...a far away look in this eyes

"Of course we were doing well. Mac worked all hours at the news show and then spent her free time immersed in my life and work. We would sit in bed on Sunday mornings discussing my projects and Mac would suggest ideas and angles for making the approaches a bit different." Brian raised his head and looked Will in the eye. "You know how she is….a whirlwind of action and ideas….an unstoppable force. Mac's ideas were so often spot on. She'd edit my pieces too, making comments and improvements. It all seemed to be so easy I didn't notice how important her little nudges were to my writing style. Her input made the difference between good and outstanding, memorable and award winning. She EP'd my work and I didn't even notice"

_Made a better _man of you, Will thought

Brian paused again for a while and Will realised how much alcohol Brian must have already consumed to be so open with him. Will knew how much bourbon he'd have to ingest to take out his mistakes and examine them.

"So, as I became established two things coincided" Brian started again "Firstly, my mother visited and stayed in my apartment for a full week. She had met Mac before but she made a point of pushing me to consider getting married – clocks were apparently ticking. Around the same time I was asked to give guest lectures in journalism at NYU" He took a deep breath and Will thought he saw pain cross Brian's face but the expression was quickly replaced by a flat masklike visage.

"So what happened?" Will prompted, feeling this was the important part of the story

"I gave some lectures and was approached by a really beautiful 23 year old student who requested private lessons, if you know what I mean." Brian winced as he relived it. "My mother's pushing had made me feel trapped- I knew she was right when she told me that dating a woman in their late twenties for 3 whole years was a tacit commitment and I should be setting Mac up with a ring"

Will felt his insides tighten at the thought that Brian might have given Mackenzie a gold band.

"I panicked of course, and with a hot 23 year old replacement begging to date me, I went round and told Mac I was having second thoughts about being tied into our relationship right now and I wanted to break it: permanently." Brian's voice faltered and his face contorted as he recounted the tale and he paused for several seconds to regain control.

Will's anger towards Brian burned in his chest at the thought of the pain Mac would have felt. He kept quiet.

"What was I thinking?" Brian said almost to himself "Poor Mac knew nothing about the girl or the pressure from mom so she was blindsided" He gulped a breath and went on, "I can see her now with a confused look on her face, trying to make sense of my garbled excuses" his head went right down into his hands as he recalled a very broken, hurt Mackenzie. "She'd been nothing but good for me and I had never given back even half the care she'd lavished on me"

"And?" Will encouraged, suddenly feeling a sense of connection with Brian of all people - Mac was too good for both of them

"I got an email from Mac the next day. I remember it well, it just said: "Did that happen?" "Of course I stupidly replied in the affirmative and two days later I got another message that listed things that she wanted returned from my place. She asked for a similar list from me. We met to exchange boxes by the end of the week and it was over"

"God, but she looked broken and confused but so beautiful" he said "and she actually asked me what she'd done wrong to make me stop loving her like that so suddenly"

Will's breath hitched as his anger against Brian blazed once again.

"What did you tell her?" Will murmured, understanding now why Mac might have held back from giving him her full commitment right at the start of their relationship. And now he could completely appreciate why she had briefly taken Brian back —so much unfinished business. Poor Mac

"I told her the truth of course, that it was nothing she'd done, it was about me. But then I went straight off with a student six years her junior and she got to hear about it through our friends. So not a good ego booster… though she has never mentioned anything to me about it or laughed in my face or anything. But then...Mac wouldn't."

"What'd you mean?" Will asked

"Sheila, that was the girl, she only lasted 6 weeks before she found me too boring and truth is she was self-absorbed and immature. We had nothing in common. I missed Mac immediately, as soon as her things were gone from my place, but I was too proud to acknowledge I'd made a mistake so after Sheila I tried dating other women nearer my age- well nearer Mac's age I guess. But no one else was ever even vaguely like her.

So, eventually I went back and begged Mac to come out to dinner for old times' sake, and with some persuasion she did because she has a very soft heart and thought that somehow the fault was hers. And then I asked her to proof read my work again."

"Mac told me she was going out with someone casually but she never said it was you. She wasn't sure how she felt or how serious it was. So, for a while we saw each other every couple of weeks. She looked over my work and one night I plied her with the best red wine available until eventually I got her into bed. She was so drunk, I'd never seen her so ...gone. Three days later she told me she was not happy doing this and she found she couldn't bear to stop seeing you. She said that she realised then that you were the one for her and that she did not want to see me again."

"I was devastated and angry at the time but I know Mac would never have cheated on us when we were together. I had started this. I just wish I'd followed my mother's advice. Turned out Mackenzie's irreplaceable" He hung his head and said in a whisper "In many ways I still love Mac, that's why I wrote that piece and that's why I think you're a jerk McAvoy because Mac loves you and you don't care."

Will went home that night filled with sadness and anger for all of them.'

What was the exact term for knowledge that's acquired too late by choice? he mused...there had to be a name for that. A' MacAvoy Regret' might be appropriate perhaps.

And fancy feeling pity for Brian Brenner! He got the irony! His head whirred

I should have known she would have had very good reasons for the choices she made, Will told himself angrily.

If only he had been able to listen and try to understand what had happened to her at the time. There really was less than nothing to forgive. If only he had not been so afraid. If only...

Will did not fall asleep until dawn.

Mac was fairing badly. She filled her days and nights with action and planning and visits and phone calls and ...and as much diversion as she could. to prevent herself dwelling on the fact that she was going to leave her whole life behind and move on. Sometimes she felt sick but put it down to tiredness, not eating for hours or gulping down 4 strong coffees in a row. No wonder her stomach was leading a revolt.

Sleep eluded her night after night. Often she thought _ if Will could just sing to me- that would do it. But as quickly as the thought_ popped into her head she reminded herself that Will was not hers and hadn't been for 6 years unless you counted election night which she couldn't once she had called him on why he had used the ring. At her lowest she thought she might get Maggie to corner Will into singing at Hang Chews and tape him for her.

Perhaps she would just ask him for a tape for old times sake- but he probably had another woman to sing to by now.

Finally, over two months after she had left News Night, before she set off for England, Mac called in to News Night offices one lunchtime, to say goodbye to her closest colleagues and best friends.

She entered Will's office for the last time clutching a brown paper bag. She was shocked to see a sad, thinner looking Will slumped in his chair.

"Will" she said with a note of concern "I came bringing lunch"

"Mac, hi" he replied, his face lit up at her presence and then fell as he understood the reason for her visit. "So I guess this is it…"

"I….I guess that it is ….yes!" she whispers

"Will I ever see you a….. no, no I didn't mean to say that sorry, sorry Mac" Will struggled to keep it together. "What I intended to say is good luck in the UK and," His breath hitches " give your parents my lo…..no, no best wishes I mean."

Mac looks intently at the man who was once dearer to her than her whole life and sees him sadder than she's ever known. Waves of emotion sweep over her, her stomach aches and she finds that she's having to resist stroking his hair to comfort him.

"I've caught News Night every evening." She says evenly "I always told you, you could do it without me, didn't I" Mac said watching his face intently.

"You did indeed" his eyes don't leave her face

"And you have" She continues

"**We** have" Will concurs, his eyes still staring at her, committing her to his memory.

"So now let's eat" she says to stop herself from the panic attack she can feel building. And with that Mac pulls two cups of coffee and sandwiches from Will's favourite shop out of the paper parcel.

Will tries valiantly to smile and takes a sip of the coffee

"That's so good Mac, thanks." Will says "I'm not too hungry now but maybe I could keep the sandwich for later?"

Mac frowns and sets her coffee on the desk and stands up.

"Will, just excuse me for a minute will you, I think I see someone I need to speak to. I'll be back in a tick"

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want Mac, I'll be right here!" Will mutters

Mac storms into the bullpen and collars Sloane as she passes her old office- she notices her name has not yet been removed-.

"In here now please Sloane" she hisses flinging open the door and surprising Jim in the process.

"Err.. hi again Mac, just using your office till…. No… I mean.. feel free " Jim splutters

Mac takes a deep breath and turns to face her two closest friends. "What's going on here with Will?" she starts quietly. "Why is he being so quiet and passive and NOT WILL!" she builds up to a shout. " and how is the show so good every night yet he looks so …..so …ill…and…and lifeless?" she took a breath and got to the real point "I asked you to look after him" she almost yelled accusingly.

Sloane gives her friend a piercing look.. "What did you expect Mac? That Will would just get over you and there would be no fall out? You said you loved him and would marry him and he pledged himself to you for life, and it seems he meant it" Sloane stated in a flat voice "He trusted you to keep on loving him and you didn't"

Sloane took a deep breath and went on "How this all happened I have no idea but now you don't love him he is depressed and completely defeated."

Sloane looked worried as she went on "I know you can't help your feelings Mac and you'd never be been mean or careless with Will's emotions. I know you've tried not to hurt him more than necessary and you did not remove your friendship entirely but… Will's had it and I don't think he's going to come back to the man he was." She pauses "In some ways I wish we had the old cross Will back"

Mac looks thunderstruck. How can she have done this to Will? - she is not a monster and she does care how he is, she always will. She had no idea that he would react so badly. Fuck, what a mess.

Jim had been following Sloane and Mac's exchanges in silence watching Mac's face closely.

"Umm.. Mac?" Jim clears his throat waiting to get her attention "Do you remember a quote that goes 'Anything you lose automatically doubles in value?'

"What.. what ..oh yes Mignon Mclaughlin…he was an American journalist …how true" she replies distractedly. "Why, do you think it might relate to Will—he's over valuing me or something because I'm moving on, because I don't think that's true at all. I've tried not to make him feel cut off from me. I email him every day, sometimes twice," Mac rushes to explain herself.

Jim gives a small, knowing smile and chuckles!

"Not really what I meant Mac. For someone moving on there's an awful lot of thought given to limiting the damage to those left behind" he pauses then goes on as if urging her forward "Get there!"

Mac's brain whirrs, connections with Mignon and quotations coming to mind.

"Got it Jim" Mac says as she takes in a huge breath ….._she is so stupid…really_

Mac steps forward and hugs Jim firmly, a huge smile on her face and with a quick "See you Sloane" she dashes from the room.

Mac slows her pace as she approaches Will's office again and pokes her head around the door after a brief tap.

She gazes at Will, sitting at his desk as she'd left him staring forlornly at his blank pad. He looks up to meet her eyes and curves his mouth in a smile that does not reach his eyes.

"Hey" he says softly "you're back?"

Mac comes all the way into the room and steps around his desk, the sandwich untouched where it lay. She places her hand on his shoulder

"Is it ok for me to touch you Will?" Mac asks

"What? ….yes of course …it'll always be okay with me" he replies puzzled and looks up into her face

"And can I touch you like this too?" she asks as she leans down and brushes her lips lightly across his.

"Uhuh…Yeah" Will stammers becoming more alert "What's going on Mac? You've lost me…"

"I..I know" she smiles "but I'm trying to find you again….and I'm so relieved that I really think I might" she says as her mouth descends on his again and he finds himself responding to her in a less than verbal fashion.

As they break apart to breathe Will starts

"Wait!...What's happening right now? I have no idea what you're talking about"

"Shut it McAvoy, I just stopped trusting you for a while there and thought we were through but Jim reminded me that everything. would. be. ok." She finished by punctuating her words with kisses.

Will didn't seem to be protesting but he was wary… "No, Mac stop. I need to understand what's going on here" he says slowly "Please, please don't mess with me if you don't love me anymore. And what on Earth has Jim got to do with anything?"

Mac looked at her dearest love and smiled at the hope in his face. How had she ever felt they could be finished? Everything she'd done had been about her need to protect herself from anymore hurt. But it had never been about hurting Will- not even a bit. She'd tried to be careful with his heart even when she was "over" him.

And Jim had known and seen it and shoved her to realise a fundamental truth about relationships-well strong relationships anyway. And her relationship with Will was the strongest thing on the planet

Yes Jim had finally grown into the parent of the group

"I guess Jim can read me really well after all the years we've been together" she mused. "Are you willing to give us another second chance Will? I've been totally miserable without you" She asks boldly "and you, you're not even eating"

Will is motionless for a long moment

"What are you offering Mac? And what do you want in return?" Will asks

"I need honesty and exclusivity. I promise you the same and my love of course. It seems I needed Jim to remind me that I never stopped loving you- Not even for a second, it just feels like it sometimes, for a little while. I'm so, so sorry Will. I guess I did think you were still sort of with Nina."

"Bloody Nina" Will mumbles "No more setbacks?

"No set backs Will"

"We get a licence tomorrow?" he demands

"Yes please" Mac giggles

"No one will ever believe us again" he adds

"Hey, that's my line" Mac retorts "And you have a point there"

"So how come Scooter is the one to play cupid to us Mac?

"He reminded me that love could always be renewed if both parties were really committed to it"

"What? Jim said you should be committed?….better judge of character than I thought" Will teases

"Hey, that's not what he said and how dare you even think that" Mac's voice raises

"Oh! Really! Mad woman, coming in here and kissing me senseless after giving me back my ring" Will's started to shout now too

"My ring you mean" Mac is practically screeching now but with a massive grin on her face. "I own you remember"

Will is getting back to normal and that, it seems, really is all Mac cares about.

Out in the bullpen their staff are smiling as they try to look like they're engaged in work.

As the strains of the conversation passing between Mac and Will drift across their ears Neale shouts across to Jim- "Hey what'd you say to Mac that set this lot off…. you clever man?"

Jim grinned. "Everything I know, I learned from Mac. She once started me off on romantic endeavours with a quote about gathering rosebuds. So I sent her off with one about falling in love repeatedly...with the same person. Quid pro quo!" Jim called back

"Oh!... and so how did the rosebud thing work out for you?" asks Neale

"Total disaster actually" smiles Jim …and he's not wrong.

...

**That's all folks...though I think maybe Mac should check her calendar sometime soon...**

**Thanks for Reading **

Author's note

quote referred to in text:

"A successful _marriage_ requires _falling in love_ many times - always with the _same person_." Mignon McLaughlin


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